IN the 1980s, in a secret laboratory somewhere in Japan, a group of deranged scientists decided they would make themselves rich beyond dreams by creating a terrible new drug.

A drug specifically engineered for children.

When they had finished their work, they decided to call their creation... Pokemon.

And Pokemon has saved my life.

 If you value truth, logic, science, knowledge, reason or sanity, then don’t watch Pokemon. It will make your brain want to strangle itself.

Pokemon is about forcing animals to fight each other for the entertainment of children.

These animal-torturing children are the heroes. The animals can all talk, but their ability to talk is completely useless because they can only say one word, their name.

Over and over.

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Presumably, this is to stop them constantly pleading to be set free from their tiny, ball-shaped prisons.

Some of the animals are ghosts. Some are plants. Some are half plants and half animals.

Some of the made-up not-animals can be forced to instantly “evolve” into other made-up not-animals by setting fire to them or shocking them with electricity.

This gratuitously cruel process is not one which Charles Darwin would recognise.

Everything about the programme is like this. Watching it is like seeing the inside of a child’s mind. And it’s not pretty.

Being Locked Down with my children is rather like being a kindly, liberal prison governor taken hostage in a riot.

I have to keep offering concessions. What I really need is something intensely stimulating and engaging to keep their tiny, psychotic minds busy, but which will also calm them down and make them less likely to kill me. It would have to be some sort of completely insane mash-up, like, I don’t know, Pokemon... Yoga.

Thank you internet. You have saved my life. Again.