Somewhere, there’s a small island where people are arguing about staying and leaving, trying to look good and win votes, cosying up to each other, or plotting against someone.

Thank the Lord for the return of Love Island!

At last we have an alternative conversation and steady stream of lurid headlines that don’t involve Brexit or Tory leadership elections.

And at least we have some real people in real situations to be interested in, rather than someone talking about drugs.

Actually, thinking about it, are these REAL people in real situations?

I know it’s all skilfully edited and is supposed to be a bit of froth with a jokey voice-over gently making fun of everything, but there’s a dark heart to the perma-tan appearance of the show.

Buffed, honed, toned, plucked, primped, preened and waxed shinier than a Bentley the parade of 20-somethings at the Majorcan villa aren’t much like the Brits I see on the beach during summer holidays.

I’m not sure if they’re supposed to be inspirational or a warning as to how you might end up if you spend too much time and money worrying about how you look.

Can’t we throw a few mum and dad bods in there to even it up and make it a bit more realistic?

No, I’m not auditioning!

What about sending the Tory party leadership hopefuls there?

n I know an old man who swallowed a fly…

Several, in fact. Not just small ones either.

I’m belatedly getting back to my regular biking sessions and there seem to be more flies bombarding me this year than ever.

Like mini kamikaze pilots, they bombard my face and seem to aim directly for my mouth.

Admittedly, I’m not at peak athletic fitness, so my gob gapes open a fair bit as I hoover up oxygen.

It’s not just aphids and midgies I’m bothered about. It’s the idea of one day copping a gobfull of wasp or bumble bee or even a horsefly.

I could wear a bankrobber-style stocking mask, but it wouldn’t be a great look on top of all the wobbly lycra. Chances are I’d end up being followed by a special forces team.

It’s too hot and dangerous for a scarf and I don’t fancy a Magnum-style moustache.

Any ideas would be greatly appreciated…