Wood chipper stolen in Luston (From Hereford Times)

I know what's going on here! I know the game. They're trying to draw me out from my hiding place and get me to say,'Yes it was me'.
Well it bloody wasn't me and anyone who says it was is a bloody liar and an embellisher.
What use would I have for a Wood Chipper? Ive never chipped wood. Ive never felt the urge to chip wood and all my friends and associates would step forward and confirm what I have just stated. They'd say, 'He has definitely never chipped wood and we can say its unlikely that he ever will chip wood.'
I mean, what more evidence do you need to eliminate me from this robust and ongoing investigation?
I'll not have my good name dragged through the sawdust and be blamed for this crime. I didn't do it and I'll fight this allegation, if it ever comes my way, which, I accept is highly unlikely, until my last breath.
They've bitten off more than they can chew if they even think about trying to pin this one on me.
I'll go to the highest Court in the land to clear my good name and prove beyond any doubt that I do not, never have and never will chip wood.

Would a wood chipper chip potatoes?
If it could, would it?
How many chips would a wood chipper chip? If a wood chipper could chip chips?
In summation, it wasn't Bobby47, right?